1. 400 Volunteer for One-Way Trip to Mars
I can think of a few people I would volunteer.
2. Orange gator must be a dye job, Fla. officials say
Eh, it is probably some old lady from New York who has spent a little too much time in the Florida sun.
3. Penguin in German zoo strolls into lions’ den
Have these people not seen Mary Poppins? The penguin was there to serve dinner and do a dance. Duh!
4. Bottle Rockets + Kids = Danger
water + water = wet
5. College Students Value Self-Esteem Over Sex
Well, that sure was some loud self-esteem building I heard going on at my dorm.
6. Los Angeles City Hall Overrun By Rats…
I hear Philly’s City Hall is overrun by jackasses.
7. Woman calls 911 to force man to propose
“You have the right to get engaged. You have the right to buy this crazy wench a 1/8 carat ring. If you cannot afford to buy her smallest she deserves, a bubble-gum ring will be provided to you. Anything you say that even sounds like you want to be with her forever, while on bended knee, can and will be used against you in a church or chapel.”
8. Bjork protests energy deal with karaoke marathon
Yeah, but she totally lost steam when she attempted to sing all of the parts from Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”.
9. Musician performs with glacial ice instruments
Sadly, his last instrument, a saxophone-like instrument, had to be removed by emergency responders. He didn’t even do it under the duress of the sinister triple-dog dare, either.
10. Drunken burglar calls 911 for help
I’m really just using this headline to show this hilarious idiot. Thank God he didn’t hurt anyone.