Today, when I went to church, I was just plain overwhelmed. I have had many questions for God, lately…most involving “why” and not fully understanding some things in my life.
The service was about suffering and finding comfort in God through the stuff that causes us dings and dents: illness, financial strain, relational pain/hurts/strains, and all the other stuff life throws at us. There are a few of you that know me outside the blogiverse and know the past five years have been hard, from all of those standpoints. During the service, all of the recent stress, the painful process of putting some things aside in my life, and learning that I’m not perfect and never will, no matter how much I try, all came together to form a very nice cluster bomb of emotion.
I don’t cry in public. I don’t cry in front of anyone. Ever. (Except for a recent memorial for a colleague.)
I was raised that was a needy sign of weakness. I was also raised that everything I feel is in my head and that I just need to suck things up and move along.
However, today, as I hid behind my really long hair, I sobbed.
I realized how good God is in spite of my own imperfection, and that He loves me beyond words. I also realized what He’s done in my life since 1992…despite my sinful nature.
At the end of the service (keep in mind, no one saw that I was crying; people focus on worship in my church), a woman I’d met once, about six months ago (she usually attends the early morning service) came up to me, gave me a hug, and said, “Donna, I will be thinking of you this week.”
You have no idea how much that act of grace meant to me. I have been needing a hug for a while. It has been a rough few months and my job is becoming more stressful. I just felt like that was God giving me comfort and I appreciated it so much.
I’m sorry if truly sharing my heart is uncomfortable. I am not real good at it. I’m a bit of an emotional cripple, and realizing it more and more each day. Maybe someday I’ll get over myself.
I just felt like I should share this. I hope you all have a wonderful week. 🙂