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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
“I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.”
“My Billy used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.”
“I hid his teeth.”
Blonde in Heaven
A dumb blonde died and went to heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, “Before you get to come into heaven, you have to pass a test.”
“OH, NO!” exclaimed the blonde.
But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. “Who was God’s son?” asked Saint Peter.
The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, “Andy.”
“Andy? That’s interesting. What made you say that?” inquired Saint Peter.
Then the blonde started to sing, “Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me…”
For those of you not familiar with the hymn, this is the reference.
A cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. “Ever had an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents?”
“Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”
“That’s hard to believe. No accidents at all?”
“Well, a rattler bit me one time.”
“Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Nope! The varmint bit me on purpose!”
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.
He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: “Removed bowling ball from trunk.”