HEADLINES!!!!!!!!!!!

1. 911 caller: Husband won’t eat dinner.

911 Operator: “Ma’am, did you try the no-fail airplane flying into the hangar trick?”

2. Report: Wife strangles husband for not sleeping in same room as her.

Nothing says, “Come to bed, lover,” like physical violence. Meanwhile, she sounds like a perfect match for Charlie Sheen.

3. Man with knife in chest walks into diner, gets coffee

Eh, well, it’s just a flesh wound…a scratch.

4. Not again! Giant Swedish Christmas goat statue gets torched

See, if they’d just stick with the Swedish fish, everything would be okay. Who can fit a whole goat into his mouth, anyway. Geesh, that is just not practical.

5. Bar sued over falling moose

There is nothing worse than a moose that doesn’t know his limits and then turns around and sues the bar. AA, buddy, AA.

And here are some stupid criminals to top off things:

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