HEADLINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a akittah1.  GRITS, SAUSAGE, TOAST… AND A GUN: WAFFLE HOUSE waitress shoots customer in dispute over food…
Rosie O’Donnell proves that the anger management classes and intensive therapy hasn’t worked when she fails at yet another attempt to have a career in the public eye.

2.  Officials order man to pay 50-cent debt
Yeah, but after interest and penalties, the fine should be a cool million dollars.

3.  Speed camera boss banned for, er, speeding
I hear the local garbage man was fired for having trash.

4. Freaks Survive Because They Are Strange
And that folks, is why I will to be 100!  (Well, Wyatt will live to be 200.)

5. Woman beaten up over asparagus prices
You think that is bad, when the potatoes are marked incorrectly, an all-out potato war ensues and spuds are knocking folks in the noggins!  Potatoes and lumps….perfect together.

6. Woman says she killed husband over TV volume during Dallas Cowboys game
Well, Joe Buck is annoying.

7.  Extra-extra large popcorn (as in 20-feet)
Sadly, by the end of the commercial and movie previews, the popcorn will still be completely eaten.

8.  New ‘Montauk Monster’ Washes Up on Beach
Alec Baldwin really should wear more than just shorts on the beach.

9.  Tenn. woman fights off intruders with chili, broom
If it got any worse, she would have had to break out the gherkins and country ham  (that sucker can leave a mark).

10.  Cops: Driver was under influence of bowl of cereal
Guess he was coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.
The officer didn’t think his driving was gggrrrrrrrreat!

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