1. Do not wake up at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday.
2. Do not fall asleep with the remote in your hand while listening to the digital music stations on your television. You will wake up to rap music and not to the country music you had chosen. Then, you will realize you can’t find your remote. Because you don’t have your glasses on or a lamp nearby, you will then have to totally wake up to find the stupid thing (at the foot of the bed????), and you will be wide awake.
3. Do not eat any bread, soy, or chocolate. You are a bit sensitive to those foods and they make you feel like crud. You will be reminded of this when you wake up at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday, only to be annoyed by rap music and by how crappy you feel.
4. Speaking of not falling asleep with the remote in your hand, after you’ve had some chocolate ice cream: avoid dreaming, too. You’ll only have dreams about holding the hand of a very pleasant and caring man. Of course, I never get to see the faces of the men in my dreams, but that’s the only place where they exist, and it would be nice to see their faces. Besides, that makes you wake up feeling like crud, too.
5. While you’re at it, don’t fall asleep with your window open a little. It is winter, it is frigid outside, and your head is only inches from that window. That, too, will make you feel like crud.
6. When you wake up, feeling like crud, don’t put on the news. You’ll find out that the showman, Geraldo, has been in Gaza. I wonder if anyone threw a chair at him…hmm…
7. When you wake up at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning, feeling too cruddy to go to church (because you felt that way Saturday night, too), go back to sleep to get rid of the crud.