Reagan had a drug czar.
Bush had a war czar-0-rama.
Obama is appointing all types of czars. Biden’s role as “working families czar” is just the newest. Personally, I view Biden as more of a street-corner wiseguy, like the Pope of Greenwich Village (cussin’ alert), but that’s me.
I’ve always hated the adoption of this term for our public servants. Czar, according to the Oxford English Dictionary (yeah, I pulled out the big guns), is an emperor of Russia before 1917. It’s origin? Russian (duh), representing Latin CAESAR!
Okay, so we have a bunch of little Caesars (not to be confused with the cookie-cutter pizza, pizza company) running around ruling parts of our society, supposedly with the fiestiness of a Russian czar. How do you say stupid in Russian?
It bugs me when a word is misused because it sounds cool, hip, and ooooohhhhh powerful.
However, I try to not be so narrow-minded that I can’t acknowledge a change in our language. So, in keeping with present use of the term czar, I’d like to propose some more czars for the areas of our society that appear to be in need of the extra-special attention only a Russian ruler can provide. Hey, why keep it to the Washington power-structure?
1. Golf ball retrieval czar: You know those guys in the caged vehicle that go back and forth on the driving range? They are the Waldos of the golf world, no? Who hasn’t tried to aim for them? I know that even I have. Now, imagine the power that comes with being the “ball czar”! No longer will the cage be needed. The next person that aims for the czar will find himself running around the greens being chased by a guy screaming about heads on pikes. Even Sasquatch won’t be a match for him.
2. Next is the lowly paperboy. How many years has this poor kid gotten up at stupid-early hours to deliver papers to mean, old curmudgeons? Now, he will have the power of a czar behind him as he deftly tosses his papers and demands his TWO DOLLARS! Long live the Czar of Printed Paper Delivery!
3. Now, the next, and final one that I propose is a guardian and ruler of all things tarty. I assert that this world needs someone to keep the likes of Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, and the other marginally talented off-spring of the rich and/or famous in line–a Czar for those famous for shopping and making stupid spectacles of themselves. Thus, again proving that rich doesn’t necessarily equal smarts and good judgment. What? Too long of a title? Seriously, we need someone to oversee the idiocy that is Hollywood.
Do you think that these czars will collect Faberge eggs?
So….do you have any new czars in mind?