1. Police think they’ve nabbed ‘butt bandit’
They’d throw his ass in jail, but….
2. Ohio police nab possible ‘Granny Robber’ suspect
Dang, no one’s grandmother is safe! What’s next, kidnapping spinster aunts with cats? The humanity!
3. Dog crashes van into coffeehouse
Zoinks! Well, Scooby needed something to go with his Scooby snacks.
4. Priest gets probation for jogging nude
So, that wasn’t holy water?
5. Man wields bat to get cat from shelter
Well, he’d need a log to get a dog, or a rake to free a snake. I wonder if he’d need a mitten to get his kitten? Nah…not bad ass enough.
6. Obama set to tap Clinton
Dag. Not even Bill will tap that.
7. Amsterdam closes cannabis shops
American college students everywhere are crying! There goes Amsterdams’ “semester abroad” and general tourism dollars. Heh. Guess the tourism will go up in smoke.
8. Search widened for cardboard box fugitive
Hmm…wouldn’t a guy walking down the road dressed as a carboard box be kind of obvious?
9. Robber apologizes during Vt. general store holdup
Store dude: Welcome to the Maple Syrup Emporium. Did you find everything you needed?
Robber: I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to rob you of all of your syrup.
Store dude: Hmm…you present a sticky situation.
Robber: I’m sorry. I know it is an inconvenience, being robbed of all your syrup and all.
Store dude: Hmmm…let me get you a box and you can take all you want. No need for that gun, fella.
Robber: I’m sorry, but I have a bad back. Could you please load up the box for me, and include the fruit syrups, too. I like a variety for my flapjacks.
Store dude: Sure, no problem.
Robber: Really, I’m sorry to put you out. This is really kind of you. I feel just awful about being a criminal and all. In another time and another place, we’d be buds. Gosh, I just feel awful.
Store dude: No worries.
Robber: Really, I’m sorry to have ruined your day. I’m just an ass.
10. Robber threatens to complain after finding no cash
Is he going to go crying to his mommy?