The muck

Some days I wonder where God is. I know He is there, but I’m hurting in the worst way I ever have. There are days I try to make it through the day without making any footprints in the lives of other, because I can’t deal right now. My spirit is crushed,  and with each day that I try to be a better person or worthwhile to others, I seem to fail completely. I’m struggling with catching up with life. I feel like a rope is tied around my waist and that more weight is being added to it, daily, so I don’t move.

I’m tired. A lot of change at once. Even though it all has the potential to be very good change, I’ve never felt so lost and alone. Ever.

GOODBYE 2015

This has been a year of loss, blessings, huge changes and more loss…and some loss I’ve been told to prepare for, as two more family members are gravely ill.

My philosophical side says this is the process of life, but the side that refuses to detach from my heart says it is too much life too fast.

My nerves are raw, my ability to process more than what I meant to do an hour ago is all I can handle. Sometimes I feel like I’m lost in some other universe.

What I really want to do is scream, but nothing will come out – like in those movies where a character is so frightened that he or she can’t yell for help. When asked questions or when someone engages me in conversation, if I have to answer for myself and what I think, I shut down. I can’t even form the words. It might be a good thing, though. I don’t think people would want my candor right now.

So, 2015, please just go away. I’ve learned too much about grief and loss. I’m humbled to submission. In, 2016, Lord please bless me spiritually, physically and financially, so I can help others that have walked a similar path to mine. Please bless me with the peace and calm I’ve needed for a very long time. Thank you for the gift and opportunity of a new start in Oregon. I look forward to embracing it.

He sees all

God isn’t some guy behind a curtain telling Dorothy she just needs to click her heels three times. I’m glad He isn’t just some guy. He is much more. He is our keeper, confidant, provider, mender, healer and most importantly, Father.

I’m dealing with a lot of emptiness and heartache. Sandwiched around it all is facing a reality of lack when I tried really hard to be sure that wouldn’t happen. As, what seems to happen, God is showing me who is in control. My life has almost been totally erased in one way or another. At least it feels that way.

So I wait, and I continually ask and continually pray. I’m also asking God  where He is. I know He is “there” watching and keeping. His provision will come at just the right time, so I learn that He is in control. Not me.

Humbling lessons in life are very much like an itchy wool sweater that is too tight around the neck.

I look out my window at so much blessing. But my heart and emotions only notice what is missing.

Your prayers are coveted.

Cobwebs

Shaking off some cobwebs and feeling the need to write again. I will be sharing my new journey in life. Hopefully, my new path will include a lot of life and happiness.

My new path begins with a new home in a new state. For that, I am grateful beyond words.14509951580281386059413

Me 2.0

I have a lot on my mind. It is like every corner of the earth has converged and has taken residence in my brain. Sometimes it is a good thing, as I am “good” busy – the kind of busy I have prayed for most of my life – the kind that reminds you how filled life can be. The other is the highly-overworked kind of busy. That will pass, hopefully soon.

So back to my brain. Been thinking a lot the past few weeks. Hoping and praying for some major changes. As I am led, and find direction, I will fill in some of the informational gaps. However, for now, I need to write. I need to be a new and improved version of me.

Life was given to us to live and explore. Time to find my adventure pants.

Sunday Song: November 25, 2012

Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,and the day of vengeance of our God;to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

Not going to lie: I can probably count on one, maybe two hands of the really good things that have happened in my life. Most likely one hand.  I have spent the better part of my life mourning some kind of personal hurt, rejection or the loss of some of my physical well-being, if not even my youth.  I can remember feeling a lack of worth from a very young age.

I try to not allow it to get to me. I try to remain positive–that God will use all of it for good. Because as an adult (not so much as a child, and definitely not while I was a backslidden young adult), I have been given the opportunity to see God use a lot of my hurts and past in a fruitful way. For that, I am very grateful.

We all have our personal struggles, but God will see us through.

When people in our lives cause us to believe we are not worthy of their love or of anything use…He says and shows otherwise.

When we mourn the tangible or intangible losses in our lives; when we are at the bottom of our personal pit, God has an answer.

He will turn all of the muck…all of the ashes that lay in heaps at our feet into beauty–whether the beauty be used to bless us or others.

It is because God does those things that I know He is real.

If you push “rewind” on the movie of your life, and you see your present as a resolve of the past…then you will see it, too.

Have a blessed week. :)

Well, hello there. . .

It appears that I haven’t written here for quite a while.  That is a good thing.  Nothing bad has happened; in fact, everything is the best it has ever been.

I have a life, now…a very busy, very full one.  It is a welcome change.

I am going to try to post more, however.  Got a lot on my mind, and I’ve noticed that when I am seeking God and sharing those thoughts, rather than keeping them to myself, I grow.  That, too, is a very good thing.

Hope life is full and good for you, too. :)