FANTASY-LAND

Nancy Pelosi believes that “there’s no Al-Qaeda in Iraq” (Drudge). I thought I’d pick her brain and see what other fantasies she has:

• The tooth fairy is real.
• Santa will be leaving me a million dollars and a handsome man under my tree.
• Bill Clinton didn’t have sexual relations with “that woman.”
• John Kerry is a war hero comparable to Rambo.
• The muppets are real.
• Men want to cuddle instead of having a sandwich.

Next thing you know we’ll be hearing that Iran is our friend and that we should embrace diplomacy with them….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUPREME AND MOST HIGH OF ALL MONGERS!!!!!

Ok, before the kool-aid kicks in, go wish FIAR a very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

He’s looking for some psychic ability from us regarding his future. I don’t have the heart to tell him that he’s hearing voices again, but he thinks people are asking him questions.

Here’s a special birthday song for you, FIAR!

I have to get psychic and tell FIAR his future, now.

Things that manage to last longer than Mr. and Mrs. Kidd Rock’s marriage:

10. Pam’s implants

9. The length of time it takes to say, “bawitdaba-da-bang-da-dang-diggy-diggy-diggy-said-the
Boogie-said-up-jump-the-boogie”

8. The combined time of all four of their weddings

7. Flyers winning streak

6. The freshness of chewing gum once it has been chewed

5. Tommy Lee (sorry, had to say it)

4. My inane lists

3. K-Fed’s career as a rapper

2. The time it took me to come up with this stupid list

1. The cool minty flavor of a tic-tac

Go visit Deathlok…NOW!

Deathlok is up and running again! Go visit and say hello. He has a fun birthdate thingy you can do (see mine below):

I ask you, is this a description of a Chief Mongress or what?

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven’t been developed yet.

You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily.

Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail.

You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details.

Your strength: Your supreme genius

Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity

Your power color: Gold

Your power symbol: Star

Your power month: January

Global Funny!

There is a gentleman named Morris that comments on Insol’s blog every now and then. I checked out his site and found this humorous joke.

Btw…got my laptop back today and I’m so happy I could spit!

What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?

Today I came across a list of popular catchphrases found on television and in commercials.

“Aaaaay…” Fonzie

‘I’m Rick James, bitch!” Chapelle

“Jane, you ignorant slut.” SNL

“Where’s the beef!?!?” Wendy’s commercial

“Waaa, waaa, waaa…” Chachi (sp?) Happy Days

“Boss! The plane! The plane!” Fantasy Island

“I’m gonna cuff ‘em and stuff ‘em!” Dukes of Hazard

Well…these are some of my favorites. Share your favorites.

Seaching for ????? in all the wrong places!

Ok…after an emotional few days, from which I am trying recover, I have figured that I really have nothing to say. So…I’ve been keeping track of some odd searches (as I know you all do) that lead to my blog. Here are five of them:

1. “you should never shove a banger up your arse at halloween video”

2. “Love” (Huh? Am I capable?)

3. “free lewis fraks after the war” (What the frak?)

4. “scientific term for poo” (Ummm…wouldn’t it be poo?)

So y’all, I’m going to bed early. I had a long day of teenagers deciding that they didn’t need to listen to me while I taught the finer points of how Shakespeare chopped up the English language to suit his rhythmic and poetic purposes. I’m beat.

Nightie, night.

Mel Brooks: Humor is just another defense against the universe.

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
“Hey buddy, Why the Long Face”

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What’s pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What’s blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it’s breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other “God it’s hot in here”
The other one replies “Oh no… It’s a talking muffin”

Turn that frown upside down…

First, I want to thank you all for reading my meltdown. There are more important things in the world and people experiencing way more hardship than I do.

The past few years have been quite frustrating. My health, my mom losing her job, one grandparent dying, then another willing herself to die, and a father who is like a child…well…it all gets to be a bit much. To compound it all, I’ve put a lot of things I’ve wanted “on hold.”

So…I’m gonna make a short list of things that are selfish on my part, but I hope ease my frustration.

1. Lose the weight and stop talking about it.
2. Make time to get fresh air.
3. Leave school at school.
4. Stop whining.
5. Find a partner in crime with whom I can have much fun…(Kept that one clean, didn’t I?)

A positive attitude has to begin somewhere. I can’t let other people dictate my happiness. Hell, they’ve dictated how miserable I have become.

Thank you, all, for your patience with my rant and my “thinking aloud” to figure out a solution.

If none of this works, I can always tell them all to get bent, get a job, get some balls, and I’m leaving.

Enter Buzz Kill

See…I knew it was too good to be true. I didn’t have any drama and became all full of Christmas chill. Then my dad calls. To be fair, he is slow…not a joke, he is slow. He lost oxygen when he was born and he never matured past 18. Now…as he gets older…he is more like a little kid and I’m his mommy, at least it feels that way. He is pseudo caring for my bed-ridden grandmom. I noticed some changes in her ability to talk the other day and he became angry, “I’m not a doctor.. blah, blah, blah…” I told him to tell the visiting doctors. Anyway…the nurse they have is not the best and she has been calling out (a replacement comes). My dad complains that it’s like picking up after a little kid (trust me, he doesn’t even come close to knowing what that means…he sent his $15 a week and complained). Whatever…my point…he can’t care for her, he becomes overwhelmed. My grandmother and father have banished the rest of the family (my banishment for speaking up about my grandmother’s care lasted a month…just when I was ready to experience some freedom they sucked me back in). Ok…you’re getting the point: My dad is ineffective and afraid of his mother. He’s afraid she’ll kick him out of the house if he asserts himself with regard to her care. So I told him that he might have to make decisions grandmom doesn’t like. Then he totally turned things on me and said, “Well, what is your mother doing? You’re supporting her and blah effin blah!” P.S. My grandmother practically supports my dad…oh what a fraked up family. I’ve actually had a girl I confide in at work ask how I am so normal (I sleep and avoid lengthy conversations with my mom and dad.).

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. My grandmom needs to be getting better care. My dad needs to not have situations he cannot deal with because of his cognitive problems thrust upon him.

I need to have other things to think about. I offered my experience and knowledge after observing what my mom and aunts went through with my other grandmother. I was told that I didn’t know anything. That’s what my dad’s mom thinks of me. I’m the almost bastard child and will always be as such. (Lucky my parents got married two months before I was born, eh?) Great ….now I’m thinking about my lovely childhood. I’m gonna stop now. But I am just so tired of everyone’s crap. I want my mom to get a friggin’ job, so I can have my own life. I want my dad to grow some balls and use them. I want my grandmom to stop controlling my dad’s mind. (Gwd…I just tried to use my space bar like the mouse pad on my laptop=-=I want that back, too damnit!) I want my grandmom to realize she belongs in a long-term care facility. I’d check them out, first. I wouldn’t let her go into a nasty place. She keeps telling me she wants to die, but God is taking an awfully long time to do it. Thursday, she wasn’t able to say more than a few words to me. I’m sorry everyone. I need to vent and I really have no one to vent to, except my mom, but she’s the ex-wife/ex-daughter-in-law told nasty things to when she tried to help make sure they were fed over the past winter when my grandmom came home from the hospital.

Anyone got a cabin somewhere that I can runaway to? When do I get my own life. Damn. Again, I’m sorry. I’ll go back to the inane RT. Seriously…I could use a place to hide for like ever.